I love reading about weird, wonderful and downright useless beauty products that are out there in the world. So I thought I'd give a little run-down of some I've come across....
The Weight Loss Slipper
I actually thought these looked ok when I first saw the pic. Like a pink towelling sandal perhaps. Until I saw the rest of the photos.....
There's little more to be said on the subject. The TOES! The fact it's HALF THE SIZE of your foot! Good grief.
Incidentally, it's meant to aid weight loss by somehow stimulating certain parts of your foot, and helping your body to increase its metabolic rate. I think it'd be more likely to help just by tampering with my ability to walk to the fridge.
Now this next one is not technically a beauty product, but I guess it could make you seem more attractive in a way....
A "Before-you-go Bathroom Spray". Yep - you spray it in the loo before you do a number 2, so anyone who comes in after you will think your, um, you-know-what don't stink. I love their little rhyme... "Spray the Loo before No. 2 and no one will ever have a clue!"
Wonder if it actually works better than those nasty sprays that just make your loo smell of poo + air freshener. This one is a "Sweet Bouquet of Mandarin, Bergamot and Orange Enhanced by Hints of Peach and Berries", but they have a whole range including....
...plus sprays for soiled nappies and dogs. Is it wrong that I actually harbour a secret desire for something from this range? Not that I need it, you understand.
Now this next one is not technically a beauty product, but I guess it could make you seem more attractive in a way....
No.2 by Poo-Pourri
A "Before-you-go Bathroom Spray". Yep - you spray it in the loo before you do a number 2, so anyone who comes in after you will think your, um, you-know-what don't stink. I love their little rhyme... "Spray the Loo before No. 2 and no one will ever have a clue!"
Wonder if it actually works better than those nasty sprays that just make your loo smell of poo + air freshener. This one is a "Sweet Bouquet of Mandarin, Bergamot and Orange Enhanced by Hints of Peach and Berries", but they have a whole range including....
...plus sprays for soiled nappies and dogs. Is it wrong that I actually harbour a secret desire for something from this range? Not that I need it, you understand.
The Neck Firming Tool
(Could also double-up as a fancy dress accessory next time the occasion calls for you to look like a stork.)
This claims to help you firm loose skin on your chin and neck, and prevent a double chin. Apparently "Not only does it stimulate face's circulation, it also lets you have good facial expression and maintain youth." You are directed to "Hold the chin up with the Chin Firm Tool for 5 seconds. Repeat for 2 to 3 minutes daily."
The thing only weighs 131g (about the same as a your average bar of soap), so I'll wager you could fashion your own out of a light household item and a sock. Should you be so inclined, that is.
Now I've come across some extreme product claims before, but the by-line on this tube is "Get tight with Christ"! At least these people know their marketing claim is laughable, and actually designed it to be. The range doesn't stop there - Lookin' Good For Jesus also do a lip balm, bubble bath and compact mirror. Personally I don't find this offensive at all, but Singapore did. The range was pulled from Topshop stores there after complaints from Catholics.
This claims to help you firm loose skin on your chin and neck, and prevent a double chin. Apparently "Not only does it stimulate face's circulation, it also lets you have good facial expression and maintain youth." You are directed to "Hold the chin up with the Chin Firm Tool for 5 seconds. Repeat for 2 to 3 minutes daily."
The thing only weighs 131g (about the same as a your average bar of soap), so I'll wager you could fashion your own out of a light household item and a sock. Should you be so inclined, that is.
Lookin' Good For Jesus Sparkle Cream
The Monkey Nail Dryer
For a mere £5.99 or so, you can have your nails dried by a tiny monkey. I love the look of effort on his face as he hyperventilates over your nail polish. He IS cute though.
The Nose Bridge Straightener
Used for 10-15 minutes a day, this claims to straighten the bridge of your nose. Obviously if you're living with a boy, and hoping to remain attractive to him, it's a godsend that the time period is short enough that you could hide your dirty secret. And if he does find it in the bathroom cupboard just say it's for "women's problems" - it's weird-looking enough that he'll be pleased to leave it at that that with no further questioning.
Rubber Dub Dub soap
If you look carefully you will spy a perfectly-formed and usable coloured condom inside this soap. What I want to know is: how long do you have to spend washing each other down before you can get at the contents? Would the flames of passion not have ebbed slightly after 6 1/2 hours fervently scrubbing your partner? Not to mention the pruny fingers!
Perhaps it can be used to tempt an unhygienic boyfriend to wash more regularly, with the promise of a reward at the end.
The Bacon-flavoured Lip Balm
From the brand who believe that "Everything should taste like bacon". The selling point is that "Now you can make yourself taste like bacon! ....will keep your lips from chapping while constantly reminding you why bacon is the king of meats."
What disturbed me most is that one of their newest products is this Bacon Flavoured Baby Formula....
Wrong. Very wrong. And there's currently a waiting list for the baby forumla, after which products will be sent first-come-first-served basis!
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